Sex
Sex means different things to different people. Above all, it is a healthy and natural activity. It is something most people enjoy and find meaningful even if they create meaning in different ways.
Sex and relationship advice from the Guardian. Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed
What is Sex?
Whether you are straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, queer or questioning, you have the right to decide what sex means to you.
Are you unsure about your sexual interests? Are you curious about what you might enjoy? Are you wondering if you are ready for sex? These kinds of questions are perfectly normal!
Sex is not just vaginal* intercourse. Sex is pretty much anything that feels sexual. How YOU choose to define sex might be a moving target during your teen years. Your sexual interests may change over time, and that’s okay too.
I find it hard to talk about sex. Is there anything I can do to make it easier?
A simple place to start the chat is with yourself.
Take some time to privately explore all parts of your own body. While you are at it, think about what thoughts, fantasies and sensations feel good for you and how you might like to experience sexual pleasure with someone else.
Sex just doesn’t feel right for me. Is that okay?
Yes, this is definitely ok. Only you can decide what feels right for you when it comes to sex.
You have the right to say no to sex. No one can or should force you to do something that doesn’t feel right.
If, for example, vaginal sex is not something you want to do, there are many other ways to explore your sexuality and enjoy a fun and loving relationship with someone else
What does “sexual activity?” mean?
Sexual activity is any activity that is considered sexual by the people who are involved. It can include the following activities and more:
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
Our Sex of the website [Link] will help you learn some of the basics about sex such as:
Putting on external condoms, or using glove or dental dams.
Making sex feel good.
How to talk about sex with a partner.
Negotiating consent and knowing more about why it’s very important.
Masturbation.
Oral, anal, and vaginal sex.
When is Sex Spiritual
Everywhere I go these days people are struggling with questions about the right use of their erotic energy and how this energy can express in ways that are at once personally satisfying, supporting sustainable relating, and serving spiritual evolution. While there is more to sexual ethics than deciding when and with whom to engage sexually, clarity on this piece can go a long way so that's my focus here. For a larger scope, check out the discussion of sexual ethics in my book Polyamory in the 21st Century.
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
There is no simple formula which can address all these concerns for one person all of the time, or for all people some of the time, for the simple reason that people come in many different flavors of physical, emotional, and spiritual development, not to mention that these levels can and do change throughout life. At the level of essence we are all equal, but in our individual development some are more mature than others. Difficulties and misunderstandings almost always arise when two - or more - people come together who are at different levels of development and different stages of life especially when these differences are not openly acknowledged and clearly understood by all involved.
Different levels are likely to be present when there are large age differences between partners. Levels are not reliably related to age, although experience usually is. This is one of many reasons that in the past, people often looked to elders, sages, or astrologers for help in making sexual decisions. Another reason is the ease with which we can all be blinded by lust, infatuation, and egoic agendas. We learn through all our experiences. Perhaps we learn even more from the challenging ones than the harmonious ones, but in the end, most of us lean toward choices that create synergy and pleasure rather than drama and chaos.
Recently I stumbled upon a tattered paperback book called The Teachers of Gurdjieff by Rafael Lefort. The book, published in 1966 when I was just a teenager, recounts the author's journey across the Middle East, Turkey, and Afghanistan in search of the source of Gurdjieff's teachings. G.I. Gurdjieff, for those not familiar with this enigmatic man of Armenian Greek ancestry, brought a Westernized version of Sufi teachings to Russia and then Western Europe, in years between the first and second world wars. Gurdjieff's teachings found their way to America where I first encountered them in the early 1970's. By then, they'd had a profound influence world-wide and attracted a large following though Gurdjieff himself had long since left this world.
My own spiritual journey soon took me on to other schools, but not before learning a practice presented as "The Sensation Exercise" which eventually revealed itself as a major foundation for many further developments and which I still share in many of my groups.This practice, like the Taoist Deer Exercise and the Pelvic Heart Breath Cycle, which I also share widely, has a cumulative effect. Doing them once is unlikely to effect any lasting change but doing them daily for months or years can be transformational.
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
One memorable bit of Gurdjieff lore that remains in my memory is that Gurdjieff once said that his quest for enlightenment definitely would have been derailed if there had been a second obstacle as big as sex. I can't say for sure what he meant by this, but I am sure he didn't mean that there was anything sinful about sex. I can't even remember where I heard it. And it doesn't matter because it's been food for thought over many decades.
Back to the book which is available free online and is a fascinating read - partly because many of the places described are no longer accessible because of war - the main message is that living teachers and teachings grounded in your home culture are more relevant than any dead guru however charismatic he may be. (I consciously say "he" because dead female gurus are a rarity. I challenge you to name more than one!).
Some would say that the whole paradigm of the "teacher" or "guru" is old paradigm and better replaced with the concept of "spiritual friend" which resonates with me so long as we acknowledge the existence of different levels of development. Until you have the discernment to accurately gauge your own development and that of others, you are at risk in both the old and the new paradigms. In the old paradigm you're at risk because you may end up following a charlatan whose spiritual ego, consciously or unconsciously is intent upon using you for his own ends. In the new paradigm you're at risk because you may fail to recognize and value the pearls of wisdom humbly offered to you by one with no agenda and no marketing plan.
Some early spiritual friends of mine who went by the name UV Family when I encountered them in the early 1980's focused my attention on the need for a new sexual ethic. Their self imposed standard was "no sex before marriage." Before you tune out, let me clarify that they did not mean legal marriage which they had absolutely no use for. Nor was their concept of marriage limited to one person at a time or implying any kind of financial dependency. Rather, they were pointing to the reality that engaging sexually creates a lasting bond energetically. They were suggesting that we not share sexually with anyone we were not willing to be permanently connected with. The purpose of this standard was not to limit the number of partners - they had many - but to put forward some selection criteria. And to formalize the sexual sacrament with a simple, private ritual acknowledging a conscious choice to create a bond. If you don't think this makes a difference, try it and report back please.
The most important selection criteria for the UV's was Shared Purpose. That is, rather than depending upon and identifying with visual stimulation, fantasy, conditioning, emotional desires, acquired information, or hormones to shape our erotic experience, they were suggesting that we chose others who are aligned with our values and intentions for being here. Of course this implies that you know your own purpose, and that it be more specific than simply to love and be loved (because that would include everyone and put you right back where you started - confused!).
In this way relating becomes a foundation for giving your gifts to the world. Committed sexual relationship serves to nurture, empower, and enlighten lovers as well as all those coming into contact with lovers who stay present and embodied while strongly activated erotically. When high voltage sex is approached with presence and merging of both physical and energy bodies, direct contact with the Divine becomes possible. Now the erotic energy - whose function is connecting heaven and earth - is truly serving our spiritual evolution!
After twenty-five years of Tantric practice, the essential unity of sex and spirit seemed so obvious to me that I almost forgot the rest of the world doesn’t necessarily see it that way. The Sufi teacher Hazrat Inayat Khan said, "Love is the sign of Spirit," and in my mind this always included erotic love. W hen a friend invited me and my teaching partner to give a talk on Sacred Sexuality at his Church, I realized I would have to find a way to explain myself that would make sense to the uninitiated. Here is what I said.
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
Why is sex sacred? The dictionary defines sacred as "made or declared holy, dedicated or devoted exclusively to a use, purpose, or person worthy of reverence or respect."The word itself comes from the Latin, sacra meaning "sacred, holy, consecrated," that is, blessed or revered. The noun (singular) is sacrum, meaning a holy thing or place.
While modern religions have defined sacred and spiritual as being separate from the body, from nature, and certainly from sex, the ancient Latin roots of the English language imply a different understanding. It is no coincidence that the word sacrum is also the anatomical term for the triangular bone at the base of the spine, the very place which Tantra tells us is the seat of the sleeping kundalini or Shakti energy. When aroused through Tantric practice, the kundalini rises up the spine to awaken the spiritual centers in the brain.
So our language suggests that once upon a time, Western Civilization understood the sacred nature of sex. This wisdom was lost during the Inquisition, in fact, one might say that this was the purpose of the Inquisition: To create a cultural shift from sex as sacred to sex as sinful, as the movie, Dangerous Beauty, beautifully demonstrates. Now it is time to return to the ancient wisdom of worshipping life rather than death. Or as we said in the sixties, "Make love, not war."
Sacred is understood differently in indigenous cultures where the concept of sacred is one of relationship rather than edict. In native cultures, humans, animals, plants, and especially the Earth herself are sacred because of we are all part of the Whole. No one and no thing have to be proven worthy to be considered sacred. All of creation is inherently sacred because it is part of the interconnected web of ecology that sustains life. In this worldview, Earth is not only seen as sacred but as a living being. Sacred is a kind of awareness, not a function of ego, of the logical mind, but more of an intuitive or direct awareness of patterns running through everything around us. This is sometimes called synchronicity, or the Tao. Here is another meaningful coincidence! It just so happens that tantric lovemaking turns on that part of the brain that perceives patterns.
So we have two different ways of looking at the meaning of Sacred Sex which are totally complementary. Just as the love of the Mother and the love of the Father are complementary, the Western and the indigenous understanding of sacred are two sides of the same coin.
Sacred Sexuality is a part of virtually every spiritual tradition around the world. In the last couple of decades elements of Tantra have been blended or fused with elements from Taoism, Native American, African, Christian, Pagan, and Jewish paths as a basis for re-visioning sexuality.
In the pre-Christian view, sex is sacred simply because it’s part of life. In the Christian view sex must be shown to be deserving of reverence. No problem! Here’s why it’s worthy!
First, Sacred Sexuality, implies an awareness that sex is the inception of life, of all that is. Without the sexual act, none of us would exist — at least not as incarnate bodies. Sacred Sexuality acknowledges that our life force and our sexual energy originate from the same source. It’s an expression of awe and wonder that transcends any particular culture.
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
Sex is sacred because of its role in bonding. Mutually satisfying sexual exchanges naturally intensify bonding, but sex can take place without bonding if we’re careful to keep our hearts closed. Sex opens the heart only if we bring the energy up. The Tantric attitudes of slowing down, awakening all of the senses, tuning in to subtle energy, letting go of judgment and blame, expressing gratitude for the gift of life, and savoring the present moment are wonderfully supportive tools for intimate relating.
To bond with someone is to form an enduring connection -- to feel a strong sense of mutual caring, intimacy, and appreciation. Bonding satisfies our need to belong and can occur in the absence of sex whenever a powerful shared experience creates a feeling of kinship. Not only is bonding critical to survival for many species, it supports health and happiness. People live longer and have fewer problems when they have a family-social-community context. Sex helps bring people together and keep them together. What else could motivate us to overcome the difficulties we encounter in intimate relating? Love making is more fun and more readily available than the natural disasters, war, and other life threatening situations which also create strong bonds among those who survive.
Erotic energy works its magic far beyond the plant and animal level as well. Look at gravity! Gravity is the name we give to the force of mutual attraction that holds the cosmos together, but spiritual teachers throughout the ages have pointed out that magnetic pull is just another name for erotic love.
Sex is sacred because of its role in accessing peak experiences of love, oneness, and healing. Humans have an innate need for peak experiences of bliss, merging, and ecstasy. We have a deep longing for the (re) union of sex and spirit, for union with the Divine. When we access expanded states of consciousness through sex we validate our intuitive sense that sex can be worship and that worship can be erotic. Tantra and other paths of Erotic Spirituality teach us to embrace and honor the body as a temple of Spirit, rather than trying to deny our natural sexual impulses.
So when we bless, purify, or honor the body as part of a sexual encounter, when we bond more deeply as a result of lovemaking, or when sexual union catapults us into higher consciousness, we make sex sacred.
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| Sexual health matters, sexuality, information and sex tips all discussed |
In closing, I want to make a distinction between sacred sex and erotic spirituality. Recognizing that our bodies and our sexuality are sacred is a good beginning, but for erotic activity to truly take it’s rightful place as a spiritual path, much more is required. All valid spiritual practice takes one in the direction of awakening to Oneness, and sexuality which feeds the ego and creates separation simply doesn’t qualify.
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